If heaven wasn't so far away...

If heaven wasn't so far away, I would pack up Maecie and take her to see Grandpa Dean today. I miss dad. I always miss dad but sometimes days are harder. I will hear a song on the radio in the car and just break down. Some days I'm fine.
August will be 5 years since he passed on. One part of me feels that day just happened a couple weeks ago and the other part of me feels like it was SO long ago. I can remember the last day I spent with him and my siblings. Him putting his arm around me saying "love you sis."
The night he died I didn't talk about for a very long time. It was so hard. Calling 911, watching them load him on the stretcher, calling Grandma and Grandpa telling them Dad was going to be taken to the hospital, the drive with the kids to the hospital, the Dr. telling me he didn't make it, dealing with the kids when he told us, calling Shalay and having to be the one who told her. Watching Jason, Mitch, Lexie, Coleson, Grandma, Grandpa all at the hospital saying goodbye to Dad. By far the hardest, worst, scariest time of my life. I hope not to have to deal with anything like that again. But I know I will. Death is a part of life. We all have to die. I understand the plan of salvation, but sometimes I just have to sit down and cry. It makes me feel better after.
What I wouldn't give to go back to 5 years back and just have an extra 10 minuets with him and tell him how grateful I am for him. All he has given me. Taught me how to work. Taught me to be honest. Taught me so many things in my life. He was able to give me and each of us 6 kids so much love and support.
I miss how my family used to be. Dad, Shalay and us 6 kids at the dinner table. Having BBQ's out back of the house. What I wouldn't give to do that with him and Maecie.
I miss Mitch, Lexie and Cole. Part of my heart is in Arizona with them. I hate missing football games, basketball games, volleyball games, dance performances.
I miss Jason. I don't get to see him often while he is in pocatello and he got a job there so he will stay there all summer too.
I miss Rachel. She is busy with her family. So we don't see eachother too often.
10 years ago I thought my parents were mean, MAKING me do chores, MAKING me babysit, MAKING me keep my room clean. MAKING me go camping when I would have rather stayed home and gone out with friends. I am so grateful I had to do chores. I learned to take care of things. I am so grateful ALL those MANY days of babysitting. I love my brothers and sisters. Loving and nurturing them makes me a better Mother. I am so grateful for all the family trips both big and small we have done together.
I would love to see my dad more than anything today...Or anyday for that matter.
I know someday I will see him in heaven. He will be waiting with his arms wide open. Ready to give me a great big bear hug.
Love you Dad.

I am so grateful for the family and support system that I have. Taylor has been with me through it all. He knows my low points. He knows the look on my face when I am ready to break down. But sometimes he just doesn't understand. Someday he will. I hope that someday is not for a VERY,VERY,VERY long time. His parents have been great. Shellie so caring and loving. Scott said to me the other day "Come talk to me, I am your dad. I can listen just like him". They really do treat me as if i am one of their own. They are great.
My grandparents have been wonderful. I love all my grandparents.
My brothers and sisters. They are all strong people. Dad is proud of each one of them and their accomplishments. And so am I.
My friends have been so great and understanding.
My Heavenly Father has helped me when no one else could. I have relied on him so much. I am beyond grateful for all he has given me. I have learned so much in a short 22 1/2 years on this earth. 5 years ago he taught me how precious life is and how fast it can be taken away. A year ago he showed me how life is brought to this world. Lessons i will never forget. I thank my Heavenly Father daily for each day I have here.

This was the most random post I think i have ever blogged about. I am just really emotional today and Maecie is napping so I thought I would take a few minuets and just blog my heart out. But I can't type anymore because of my uncontrollable tears.